After months of scouring the Intertubes and the night sky, I've finally discovered Jonathan Papelbon's homeland. I've highlighted it here in this map of the universe.I know some of his teammates have claimed that he's just a "redneck from Mississippi", but through my extensive research, I've found that story is only a myth. His real home is that distant star. Did you notice that when he threw his glove up in the air after winning game 4, it never came down? That's right - he tossed it back to his family - billions of light years away.
Seriously folks, after watching him Riverdance in his underwear with googles, after throwing 98 mph fastballs, did you really think he was human?
On the other hand, after watching the parade today, I think its really obvious that Papelbon would be the lead singer of some crazy band if he wasn't playing baseball.
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